BEING MATTER OF FACT: 5 Ways to Free Children to Mature Socially and Academically

Kids love it when their parents, nannies and babysitters are calm and ‘matter of fact’. It frees them up to take responsibility for their own actions, rather than reacting to their caregiver’s emotional response. Disappointment and anger cloud the real issues. As Hal Runkle affirms in his easy to read, Screamfree Parenting, airline stewardesses instruct passengers to fit the oxygen mask to their own face before helping their children. Parents need to take care of and focus on their own behavior, so they’re able to give their children the help they need. Research shows that a negative emotional reaction from a parent, nanny or sitter inhibits a child’s ability to manage their behavior, diminishing social skills and academic performance. Don’t take it personally when your children break the rules. You’ll get upset, react, then feel guilty. Next, you’ll back off from needed discipline, children will disrespect your authority even less, and go on to disobey even the most permissive rules. Don’t over-react. If you punish a child for an emotional display, it makes them feel they have even less control over their world, or that a big emotional display is the way to get what they want. Model self control. Don’t under-react. What your child needs is a curious observer. Be curious and ask questions. Get down face to face, stay calm and gentle. Be a good listener. Use a quiet tone of voice, and offer a helping hand. Validate the emotions they’re feeling. Don’t make light of how they’re feeling. “Awe….I’m so sorry you’re feeling angry (frustrated, tired, sad, hurt).” Commiserate with them as you would a friend. Let them know you hear what they’re saying or feeling, and continue to ask questions to find out why they’re behaving this way. Focus on the problem. Be matter of fact, interested, curious, and really care about their heart. As you’re asking open-ended questions, kids usually figure out a solution on their own and can see how their behavior and attitude have caused the problem. Beth Weise

WHEN THEY'RE READY..... SENIOR CAREGIVERS

Mother's Day, 2013

My Mom and I went on vacation to Missoula July 22 to visit my sister who has a house in the woods by a creek, and a cabin on Flathead lake. We jump off the dock into the frigid water and swim like crazy till we turn into icicles. 

This year was different. Two days after we arrived, my 94 year old Mom lost her balance stepping up on the curb while heading into an REI store, breaking her femur. The doctor took us aside before the surgery to install a titaniam rod, and said, “”Just to let you know, 30 % of people in her category are dead within the year.”

 Well of course, he didn’t know my Mom, and her plan is to come out of this stronger than when she went in, but it’s going to be a full year of recovery. It's been hard, really hard. Discouraging. Depressing. Every day is a fight. This morning she didn't want to get up. She reminds us of what a wonderful gift it is to be able to just stride down the street. 

She spends her days working out on a recumbent exercise bike, lifting weights, and I now go with her to her water aerobics class. The first day back, her classmates cheered and clapped as she climbed down the ladder. She distains going in the slow way, but prefers the ‘all at once’ method, so as not to drag out the pain of getting wet. For the past decade, she's gone year round, three days a week. On some cold, dark days, she’s the only one in class. And she’s looking forward to driving again soon.

My Mom exemplifies her generation--independent, determined, a classic depression kid.  Sharper than I am in many ways, hard working and thrifty. Before the accident, she was driving everywhere, shopping, cooking, doing  laundry, ironing, gardening, and charity work. She published her autobiography  just before this trip. But she’s quickly getting back in the groove. Today she ironed a stack of clothes.

I feel closer now to the families who call our office needing companions for their seniors for a few hours during the day, a weekend, or overnights. Sometimes seniors have kids who want them to have help, but the seniors won’t hear of it. But it’s a relief nontheless to know that a trusted professional is available when they're ready.

CONFESSIONS OF A NEEDY MOM

As I drove with my three youngest children in the back seat, I put them through their Spanish vocabulary words. When they didn’t get the right answers, my arm flew back involuntarily as if to wop one of them in the back seat, but of course I hit the bucket seat next to me. “What just happened?” I said to myself, stunned by what I had just done. “Was I going to hit one of my kids because they didn’t know a vocabulary word? Was that me?” I’m not a yeller, not a hitter, not an angry person. So what triggered that crazy action? It never happened again, but I began wondering about my bottom line. Was I a needy Mom? Was my kid’s job to make me look good? I slowly began to realize that my significance was enmeshed in: 1. How well they did and 2. How good they looked. When my youngest moved out, I shifted to finding my self worth in my business. In the movie Chariots of Fire, an athlete was going for gold in the 100 yard dash. “Why are you working so hard?“,  he was asked. “When that gun goes off, I have 10 seconds to justify my existence,“ was his reply. “I want to know that I’m justified being here. I want to know that my life counts, is worth something, that my existence is justified. The gold medal he wins is his justification. It makes him feel validated, worthy, accepted.      A newspaper reporter interviewed movie producer Sydney Pollock  just before he died in 2007, and although  the grueling movie making process was wearing him down, he couldn’t stop working.  “Every time I make another picture, I earn my stay for another year or so”, was his explanation. What’s he saying? The same thing as the runner. ‘I feel I need to earn my stay. Here’s why my life is worthwhile, acceptable, valid.’ A writer, feeling his career wasn’t progressing, and wondering what value his life had, shared in a newspaper article, “When I look at my two little daughters, then I know that my existence is justified.”  There are parents, a lot of parents,  who look at their children and think, “There really isn’t anything I do that makes me feel valuable, that justifies my existence. My life is worthwhile because of them. I’ve always said: “I’m writing five books.” Meaning, my life is all about the five kids I’ve raised. Parents who make their children the focus of their lives will be disappointed. Their passion for their children’s success is basically selfish. Children will disappoint us. This misguided focus is actually one of the causes of child abuse. We need something bigger, higher to give us significance. But this is the “default mode” of the human heart. Our computers run in default mode automatically unless we deliberately program them to do something different. We habitually and naturally look to outside things to justify our significance and give us security: work, approval from others, power, influence, possessions, children, marriage. We may think we don’t, but on a deeper level these things are the foundation of security and significance. Therefore, we’re driven by fear, a lack of self-control and anger.  The truth is that we’re valuable just because we are.  Change comes as people realize their own value and worth. Knowing their inestimable value gives remarkable status--one that power and money and even family cannot give. One thing that makes an object valuable is being one of a kind. Each person is unique. There’s no one on the planet like me, even if I'm an identical twin.  Consider the love we have for a newborn--an infant who brings us endless work, sleepless nights and the loss of thousands of dollars. They poop, pee, eat, cry, keep us up all night and don’t contribute in any way to the household. They haven’t performed a sonata or won a scholarship to Harvard, yet our hearts are amazed by the torrent of joy and love we feel. You are that beloved infant. We don’t need work, children, or marriage to give worth. Knowing our own intrinsic value will restructure our motivations and identity. A child-centered world view puts unhealthy pressure on  children to play the role of being the perfect child and it destroys them. Children aren’t going to always make wise decisions and will inevitably disappoint us. Our unspoken expectations push them away.  With the truth of his own value centering him, a parent has a winsome, peaceful attitude, because he no longer needs the child to give him meaning and worth. A single, pregnant Jewish Mom in New York was about to put her signature on a rental application, when the landlord mentioned, “By the way, you’ll be glad to know we don’t accept Jews here.” She quietly put down her pen and said, “Actually I’ll take my business elsewhere.” She resolved then that if she had a boy she would name him Yehudi, which means “The Jew” because she wanted him to be proud of his heritage. Yehudi became one of the greatest violinists of the 20th Century. When asked how he played such beautiful music, he answered, “To play great music you have to keep your eye on a distant star, something beyond yourself, something transcendent.”  Reach for the heavens, as it were, keep your eyes on something bigger than yourself, something bigger than a star, than a child. You’ll make beautiful music in your home. It’s all right if your child is the center of your universe. All children are the apple of their parent’s eye. But while you’re responsible for your child’s happiness, your children are not responsible for yours. You need to love them for who they are, not because they  complete you. Are You a Needy Parent? Take this Free Test  and see how you rate! http://www.parenting-advice.net/the-needy-parent-test Beth Weise

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE CHOKING KIND-ARE YOU PREPARED?

Ashley, our Nanny Recruiter began choking on some taffy candy in the office, and a discussion ensued about our mutual choking experiences. We discovered that just between Jenny and Ashley, seven lives have been saved by performing the Heimlich Maneuver! Ashley used it on her first day on the job as a live-in nanny in England!

Jenny observed a Mom jumping out a car ahead of her while at a street light, running to the back seat, grabbing her baby out of his car seat, flipping him upside down and pounding on his back right in the middle of the road. Watching this scenario made an impact on Jenny. Ashley witnessed a petite wife perform the maneuver in a restaurant on her husband  twice her size. She failed twice, and with no one else coming to her rescue, she desperately slammed his front side into the table edge and he survived.

Jenny was with her son Carter, age one, eating chips in a Mexican restaurant when he began choking. With the picture of the roadside rescue in mind, she immediately flipped him upside down, and performed the Heimlich Maneuver  to dislodge the chip. Another time, she was in a Moms’ group and the mother of a six month old was feeding apple slices to the infant, who began choking. Jenny gave her step by step direction to perform the procedure, and their teamwork paid off. 

Popcorn is one of the biggest dangers for young children.  A three year old boy died soundless, in a movie theatre, while choking on popcorn with his family right next to him. Another incident was of a three year old girl, whom after choking on popcorn,  had a piece of the popcorn lodged in her throat and had to have it surgically removed.

Any age child can choke. Jenny was tutoring a third grader who got a chicken nugget caught in his throat. Jenny quickly did the maneuver on him, and the nugget went flying across the room. When Mom arrived home, the boy said, “Mom, Jenny saved my life today!”

Another time, Jenny (who has 13 years of nanny experience) was nannying for a family. She and both parents were in the kitchen and the one year old, strapped in the high chair, began choking. The Dad was pulling off the tray and trying to unlatch the straps, but in his panic, was fumbling. Jenny grabbed the scissors, cut the straps, and did the maneuver, saving he child’s life.

Jenny won't leave her children with a sitter until they’ve demonstrated the Heimlich Maneuver to her satisfaction. “You can train for it, but I don’t think anything can prepare you for that moment when you have to use it.”

Her own son Carter, age two, climbed onto her bathroom counter and opened a Tylenol bottle and other over the counter medications and she found 50 pills scattered over the floor when she discovered him. They rushed to the ER and kept him there for observation. “I had every inch of my house baby-proofed, but they still got into things,” Jenny shared.

While Jenny was taking a shower, Chase, age two, scooted a stool to the counter, climbed up to the medicine cabinet and open the "child-proof " cough syrup bottle. They called Poison Control and rushed him to the ER, where they monitored him over the next six hours. 

One of the boys sprayed a poisonous cleaning substance into his face after breaking the child-proof latch on the cabinet below the kitchen sink. “I love those babies, but that age from 18 months to age three, is really challenging,” Jenny groaned!

Consider these facts and cautions:

• A child’s trachea is the size of a drinking straw in diameter, which is why a popcorn kernel is so dangerous.
• Choking is the fourth leading cuse of unintentional death in children under five.
• Never leave a child unattended while they’re eating
• Meal and snack time need to be calm and unhurried.
• No eating while walking, playing or riding in the car.
• Children need to sit upright while eating and have sufficient teeth plus the muscular and developmental ability for the food chosen
• Cut food into small peices, cook or steam vegetables to soften them and cut hot dogs lengthwise and widthwise.
• Use only a small amount of peanut butter or cream cheese, as these foods can stick to the roof of the mouth and cause choking.
• Coins and small toy parts can be dangerous for babies and toddlers who are discovering the world through their mouth.
• Regularly review the Heimlich Maneuver

5 WAYS TO HONOR YOUR NANNY FOR NATIONAL NANNY APPRECIATION WEEK SEPTEMBER 22-28!

National Nanny Appreciation Week is September 22-28, 2013. Nannies do a remarkable service in loving, nurturing, training and educating the children in their care as if they were their own, as well as easing the day to day burdens of the parents by performing countless household tasks.

When families show appreciation to their nannies, it only heightens the relationships and creates a desire in the nanny to want to give even more.

It’s easy to take your nanny for granted, because you work hard also, you’re very busy, and you pay her well. However, unless you’re giving your nanny lots of verbal appreciation, she may feel like you have no idea how hard she’s working.

Consider taking her out for a family dinner and giving her a card and a gift. Just think about how much more difficult your life would be without her!

Here are 5 ideas to spark your thinking about how to honor your nanny.

1. Give her a paid half or full day off or a cash gift.
2. Give her a weekend at your summer cabin or a paid vacation.
3. Designer purse or spa gift certificate.
4. Handmade card and or video created by the children. 
5. Specific and heartfelt verbal praise

It’s easy to forget to say thank you. If you’re a Mom blessed with a great nanny, take time out during the 2013 National Nanny Appreciation Week to let your nanny know how special she is to you and your children. We at Caring Nannies are so grateful for all the terrific nannies and babysitters and mother's helpers  for their hard work and dedication! 

Beth Weise

 Doctor G's 1st Webinar: Teach Respect Sunday September 15

Webinar Date/Time and Info Part One: Respect Sunday September 15, 2013 Time: 6pm PST/6 TEACH RESPECT: It is not what you say,  but how you say it! Back to school means back to basics with character building skills. Kids and adults need help to interact respectfully. Dr G gives concrete tips and tools to teach respectful behavior towards others and oneself! Registration for the first of three Doctor G webinars, "Part One: Respect" will end today. Learn more and register today athttps://www.nanny.org/doctor-g-webinar

HELPING WITH HOMEWORK

If your student needs a little push to get homework done, you can help with these tips.

Get rid of all distractions. Make a rule that TV, cellphones and video games stay off till homework is completed. Create a well-lit, serene and comfy study space. This increases her focus.

Break it down. If your child is feeling overwhelmed, break the tasks into bite sized portions. Only have one task in view at a time. Take five-minute breaks occasionally for a snack, exercise or talking.

Give advice, not answers. Encourage your child to work independently. Be available to answer questions and help, but beware of doing the work for him.

Keep in touch with the teacher. What does she recommend for how closely you need to monitor the work? Check teacher comments daily on completed assignments. If there is ongoing trouble, and homework isn't getting done, talk to the teacher about it.

Stay positive. Be consistent and firm for those times when they just don't want to do it.

Caring Nanny's after-school nannies are hand-picked to be able to help with math, algebra, writing and reading!

Beth Weise